Chapter 8: Layers

Dear Grace, 

Believe it or not, before you were born, I had a very large life. I was 33 when I had you, and preceeding that was a big chunk of memories. 

As I reflect on my life, the decades feel like layers. Layers, because as new things happen or change the past doesnt leave. It just layers on top of an already rich, heavy set of experiences. Every layer does not take anything away, it just gets thicker and thicker. Building a new version of me, while the same little girl exists underneath it all...

My childhood was spent in Narooma, riding bikes and horses, playing piano and videoing everything on a cassette. I lived a huge chunk of my childhood at my friend Tegans house. Almost every weekend, I loved her family and I guess they loved me. I wasn't an only child, but there was a decent age gap between everyone and it meant I needed to find people to play with. 

I am going to make sure your afternoons, weekends and holidays are full of amazing, outdoor experiences like this. You're a highly engaged kid and you need lots of things happening all the time. I promise to make these years memorable for you, through friends and experiences. 

My teenage years were full of memories working in my Vespa cafe, making new friends at Riverside High School, learning to drive, shopping for pedal pushers and platforms, going to Matchbox 20 concerts and crushing on boys. I made friends in these years that were foundational for my life. I later learnt in life these friends would be the ones I needed the most in my times of despair. Not because of who I am, but because of who I was. 

Those years are ones I promise to get right with you. I will make these years your most precious, because they are. Innocent and engaging, seperating from your parents completely and daring to be yourself with all the security you take for granted. I will help you find the friends you will need now and in the future. The base you need to help you carry on through life with a circle of people to hold you. 

My 20's was WILD. Already independant, I did a huge amount of exploring and earning in equal measures. I worked all over the world in all kinds of industries. I drank to much, took to many drugs, put myself in dangerous situations, took risks, but also held down careers in Real Estate and Software for years at a time. I bought my first apartment at 21, and I was responsible and irratic all at once. It was amazing. Those years I feel I started my journey to me. . I practiced gratitiude, meditation, learnt to dance to MJ Thriller, hosted dinner parties, saw Snoop Dog in Amsterdam, ran with the bulls in Pampalona (where I met your Dad), and of course, it's also the decade I started my business. The new friends I made in this part of my life are monumental too. I made and kept lots of male friends in this time and also made some amazing female friends, Heather, Michelle, Jenn to name a few. They were an added layer to my existing friends because they experienced so much life alongside to me. 

You will be pushed out of your comfort zone by me in your 20's, but you will also be pulled back into line simeltaneously. Depending on how you turn out, and the company you keep I will helpd guide you through that balance. These years are about collecting experiences, breaking hearts, trying new things and being horrible and amazing at the same time. I can't wait to watch you experience your 20's because I know your old soul will help you unravel a lot with your heart connected to your head the entire time. 

My 30's are almost over, but wow, this is a layer I am still getting used to. This layer has been a lot less innocent and way more grown up. I got married, I made you, your Nanny Maree died in the same days I found out I was pregnant. We bought a house, moved again, your Dad became more depressed and more isolated. He stopped enjoying things as much. I had experienced decent success in the business, but fires, and pandemics and floods tested my endurance. I made the hardest decision of my life to leave your Dad in pursuit of emotional freedom, but found myself buried deeper than I have ever felt before. I mourned our family, your siblings, and dealing the the idea that my future was now unwritten (all over again). 30's have been complicated and hard baby girl, but among all of that, everything I did in the previous 2 layers set me up to be OK. Friends, financial security, family love and a whole bunch of confidence and self taught wisdom helps me to survive. 

Your 30's will be challenging too. You grow old and complications arise, sick parents, young children, peak career, peak responsibility. Your life will feel overwhelming and I promise to be there and tell you it's going to be OK. I will hold your babies while you take a shower, and tell you to stop fussing an worrying. I will remind you that this is a phase, and I will boost you up just enough so you feel you can manage it, but not too much so you dont get to weather the storm, because life is meant to have hard bits, and you need to feel it all. 

The next few layers are coming, and a bit part of me is mourning the feeling of only having 1 or 2 layers to reflect upon. Things were simple. I know more hard times are coming. I will lose Nanny and Poppy, maybe I will have another baby, maybe I won't. I will endure way more hard emotions as each of my siblings experience and live. I don't think anyone can prepare for whats to come, but I do know that the more layers I add to myself the more mindful I become of your long and brilliant life ahead of you. You are only FOUR, you have so much ahead that I find that so unbelievable to imagine. 

Life is big and complicated my girl, but you have my promise, I will always be there to guide you along, forever and a day. 

Love Mum. 

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