Chapter 6: New Beginnings

 Dear Grace, 

It's November and around this time your Mum becomes rather reflective. I have just enjoyed 14 days without you my baby, and I didn enjoy them. I don't feel guilty about that, I need to be alone with my thoughts sometime. I need moments to recalibrate. 

The last 2 years have been the most challenging of my life. I feel regret about that. Mostly that you did'nt get the best of me. I am ready for this to change. 

I found this quote that made me feel clarity. 

“Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future.”

– Daphne Rose Kingma

There is so much about letting go of my past that makes me feel torn, sad, and guilty. Your feelings are the ones I care about the most. Will letting go of the past be letting go of your childhood in some way? Will letting go of your Dad result in bad feelings for you now or later?

But, I can't hold on to the past any longer. I need to let go, or else I won't be the Mum you deserve. 

Your Dad has moved his heart on. I have moved my heart on. But the ties are deep and it's been way more complicated that I ever could have imagined.  Even though I now have feelings for someone else, those feelins are on different rhythms to what I shared with your Dad. It almost feels like there was space for two people to love in completely different ways. 

But this letter is about the future. It's about the new beginnings I have to embrace. It's about finding the strength to actually start again. That quote serves to remind me that I will not move on if I don't let go and find my new beginning. 

Reimagining our future is so much harder than when I was 20 something. I had so much ambition, ignorance, and a beautiful unwritten book. Now it feels like there's a few pages written, and the choose your own adventure has less options that when I was younger. 

As the seasons change and another year begins to count down, I want to go into 2023 with intention. I want to drive my own behaviour and thoughts. I want to control the future and my life without waiting for it to happen to me. 

New beginnings means opening my heart to a new and formiddable love. It's about accepting that I can be with someone who adores me, who loves you endlessly and will move mountains for my happiness. Isn't that amazing baby girl? I couldnt imagine any less for you. Find a man who loves you this way. He might not be when or where you expect him to be... but find that special love that makes you feel like a Queen. 

New beginnings means moving on financially with your Dad. Cutting the last ties. Theres so many unspoken words between us and I have made peace with that. Our love story was not one of deep connection and communication. We didn't need all that, we just made do with what we were both capable of. When I have the chance, I will buy you a home. A special and warm and loving place for you to being your friends home after shcool. To play in the cubby house, to swimg on the tree, to splash in the pool. A place where you feel safe and loved. 

In the meantime, I will give you a year of fun and friends and special moments. Christmas will be a wonderland and you will be surrounded by magic and love. We will go to the beach almost every day and sing and dance and make food you won't eat. You will swim and laugh and play. When Winter comes I will take you on special holidays and we will make memories you will always remember. Your school next year will bring you a new level of independance and you grow into a resilient little humans who is even more kind and clever. 

I am apprehensive, but ready to create a year of new beginnings and new memories with you. 

I can't wait to see you and you're cute feet. 

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