Chapter 5: WORTH FIGHTING FOR

 Dear Grace, 

The details of how your Dad and I seperated have confused my own heart for a long time. This week when I found out your Dad was confirmed seeing someone else, my heart broke in a new and small way I did not expect. 

It's making me recycle my decisions and calibrate the way I felt when I left and how I feel now. 

I always felt undervalued loving your Dad, I did alot, like most women. But I didn't just do what the women "normally" do, I did it all. I did the finances, I organised the daycare, I cleaned, cooked, shopped, dug, gardened, organised birthdays, Christmases... the list goes on and I loved it. He has never been an overly motivated man and his mental health didn't help. I don't think my overcompensating helped either. I liked that role though, I was used to being the caretaker of everything, it suited me. 

All I needed from your Dad was for him to adore and appreciate me for what I did. I wanted him to walk in the door kiss me and say "You're an amazing woman, how lucky am I?"

But he didn't do that, ever... and I dont think he even knew how with me. 

My role as the wife escalated when you were born. Now I had another person to look after and you were way more important to me, you were a baby. I had less and less patience for his lack of interest and care in me. His mental health and police work continued to add to the layers of sludge I felt like I was managing. 

When I left, it wasnt meant to be a test. I wanted him to see a giant black hole in his life and miss and appreciate what he had. I wanted him to have the moment where he realised "I can't live my life without this amazing woman in it". He didn't. In fact he told me he wouldnt, so I am not sure why I am still suprised. He had said "I won't fight for you, I fought for you coming into this relationship, and I won't do it again". 

Its important for you to know my girl, good things are worth fighting for. I was worth fighting for, even if it was for the second time. 

So maybe it was a test. Maybe I was testing how much he truly loved, appreciated and needed me. Over a year has passed since I left, and turns out he didnt truly love, appreciate or need me at all, and it does hurt. 

To your Dad, it was easier to start a whole new relationship than write one message saying "I love you and I miss you". I was always worried about that feeling I had deep inside, and now I know I was right.

In life baby girl, you deserve a person who makes you feel irreplacable. Someone who can't live without you. Love is not practical, it's emotional and passionate and hard and complicated. But don't settle for a person who doesnt worhsip the ground you walk on my girl. 

Your Dad is an amazing man. I love him from a place in my heart not many will ever understand. But he was not very good at tending to my heart, and admittedly, I don't know if I was very good at caring for his in the way he needed. 

I am hurt, sad, rejected, but.. more important than any of those feelings, I still know my worth. 

The only thing that matters in this world is that you know how amazing you are my girl. Capable of anything with or without a partner by your side. Definitiely and always... worth fighting for. 

 

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