Chapter 7: Absence Makes The Heart Grow, Guilty.

 Dear Grace, 

Every few weeks theres 3-4 days when you go to your Dads house, and I feel guilty about everything. 

  • I feel guilty about breaking up the family, and not being able to see you. 
  • I feel guilty that you are forced to live in two worlds all the time. 
  • I feel guilty that you are not here with me feeling vulnerable and loved. 
  • I feel guilty that I am spending so much time with just me, and not being a Mum. 
All of these feelings are raw and real and I push them down deep becuase I know it's not healthy to live my life dripping in guilt. But I need to unpack a few of them so I can manage the weekend without you. 

I am blown away by the way my brain rewires itself when I have time to spend in my own head. I am able to revisit so much of what I cared about in my 20's. Building a life of purpose, discovering my core values and analysing who I am and why. It's majorly self indulgent for a Mum to persue these thoughts, they feel so self-involved, self-important. 

I guess I am important. Probably to you the most. I need to be pretty switched on as a human so you can feel secure and fulfilled in life. So, I am going to lean into this self-important indulgence. It makes me happy to feel guided and clear about the future, it brings me immense assurance. 

Since you have not been with me, I have done a lot of what makes me feel full. 
  • I have walked and walked and walked, along the beach, listening to podcasts, dreaming, thinking, asking, wondering. 
  • I have been shopping for myself, I popped into the kids section, nothing much there, so I bought some jeans
  • I got my nails done, I feel clean, organised and sheike
  • I am seeing my 2 best friends for very adult catchups and I cannot wait to laugh and talk and be vulnerable with them both
  • I am writing this message to you, something that feels like therapy, but I don't ever allow space for. 
Being without you is so hard, but being without you reminds me so much about who I am meant to be. It corrects my path and sends me back into alignment of not being someone who just reacts to things, but someone who operates with purpose and intent. It's really important for my mental health to have this time. 

Baby girl, thank you for being so understanding. You probably don't even know that emotion just yet, you are 4. But your childlike resilience is special. You take life for what it is and although you question everything, you don't yet know how to judge me. Your uncomplicatedness keeps me sane and I love you. 

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