CHAPTER 3: GOSPEL

Dear Grace,

Every season of my life has been met with change. But the last 3 years have seen immense personal change. I can pinoint one thing that did change and that was you my sweet girl - my pint sized party handbrake! But maybe I was just getting old. I am 37 now, I don't feel the same fire in my belly I once did. I don't have the energy to blast people for not staying last at the party. I don't think I even want to be at the party anymore. 

I don't argue my points with as much passion and arrogance. I am more curious to know what other people think and why. I am less offended about other peoples decisions to live their lives differently to me, I embrace their differences even if I still don't agree.  

So the 20 year old Madeleine is (thankfully) missing in action, But one thing has NOT changed and it fills me with curiosity to understand why... My gospel.

My gospel has acted as my guiding light since 2008. My personal mantra, my affirmations. Thats 14 years I have been practicing positive self talk. Over the last 5 years I have tried to change it to adapt to the new versions of me. I got married, I am a mother, I have this business which is kind of a big part of my life now. 

So I rewrote the gospel - I added sections about being a patient and loving mother. It's in the shower right now, all laminated and ready to inspire. But today I had an epiphany where I realised it's not hitting me the way it did 14 years ago. It used to rattle off my head and it was almost rhythmic when I spoke it out loud. "I am open hearted to those who surround me". "I live each day as if it is a gift". I can still recite the words. 

So I opened up the version from 2008 and looked at it again, and I didnt feel the need to change any of it. I loved it, I needed to hear it. Interestingly none of it talks about the 'roles' I have played. Not a boss, a wife, a partner, a mother. It's just me before I was any of those things, and it's enthralling.

Perhaps I need to tune into the girl who wrote it in 2008, she was a different version of me, but she was still me. 

Perhaps as you age my girl you will see parts of you that you can't relate to at all. Or maybe like me, as you get even older you will become romantically attached to who you were before you were anything else to anyone else. 

I will love you no matter what happens. Forever and a day. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Chapter 7: Absence Makes The Heart Grow, Guilty.

 Dear Grace,  Every few weeks theres 3-4 days when you go to your Dads house, and I feel guilty about everything.  I feel guilty about breaking up the family, and not being able to see you.  I feel guilty that you are forced to live in two worlds all the time.  I feel guilty that you are not here with me feeling vulnerable and loved.  I feel guilty that I am spending so much time with just me, and not being a Mum.  All of these feelings are raw and real and I push them down deep becuase I know it's not healthy to live my life dripping in guilt. But I need to unpack a few of them so I can manage the weekend without you.  I am blown away by the way my brain rewires itself when I have time to spend in my own head. I am able to revisit so much of what I cared about in my 20's. Building a life of purpose, discovering my core values and analysing who I am and why. It's majorly self indulgent for a Mum to persue these thoughts, they feel so self-involved...
Read more

Dear Grace, You Have A Superpower

 You are a tenacious, smart, and influencing child with an insane memory. You see people like chess pieces and you play social situations like they are all part of the game... your game.  The other word they have on the internet for you is HSP "Hyper Sensitive Person". Highly sensitive people are built more deeply, emotionally and mentally than most people. It reads. I agree.  You are not on the spectrum, no. But you do have the ability to assess a vibe quicker than most. It's very cool. It's INSANE to watch. At 5 you can get what you want by using your mind and memory.  Grace: "Poppy, can I have some chocolate" Poppy: "Not Grace, Daddy said no" Grace: "But Poppy, isn't this YOUR house, with YOUR rules"  *Read between the lines old man, my Dad has no weight around here, you can overrule him" Poppy: Laughing. "Grace, that's right, but I also think it's not good for you to have more chocolate" I mean, for context,...
Read more

CHAPTER 4: LET IT GO

Dear Grace,  The sun is setting a little later this month, so we stole the hour after daycare to go for a walk along the water. I always find doing something outside after daycare fills our cup. I asked if you wanted to go for a bike ride or a walk in your pram, you're always tired after daycare, so you said you wanted to go in the pram.  As we walked, I played the Frozen soundtrack and you ate crackers and sang the whole way down the boulevarde. You sang quietly in the dramatic parts and screamed at the top of your lungs for the big notes. "Let it gooooooooo". Unahamedly screaming your heart out.  Everyone walking by could not help but smile, you were gleefully happy, not a care in the world. The feeling of pure hapiness was palpable and contagious. I looked on in awe that you could still be that way knowing that one day you'll be too self concious to do that. Knowing one day when you're an adult, doing that will no longer be socially acceptable. What a sad reali...
Read more