CHAPTER 1: STOLEN FOCUS

 Dear Grace,

Last night I went to a yoga retreat and it was a very amazing circuit breaker. The last 12 months have been the heaviest, hardest and most challenging of my life.

During the evening yoga I cried when the teacher told us to be grateful for being there. I cried during a heartfelt conversation about you and your Dad at dinner. I cried this morning during the manifestation workshop when I tried to speak out loud about my vision for the future.

I am carrying a heavy heavy load at the moment, and it’s like last night was the egg that cracked and I simply can’t speak without the egg spilling out and everywhere.

This chapter is called Stolen Focus because I am reading a book about how technology is killing us. Killing our creativity, our relationships, our work, our sleep, our brains. It’s not great. But what it also means to me is that through having you and becoming a mum, you have stolen my focus… in the best way possible. When you are around I can easily forget my problems, ignore them. I can easily spend the evening complaining about how you don’t eat your dinner and constantly ignore the big emotions bubbling under the surface.

I need you to know that you stealing my focus was the greatest gift and without it I would never have survived this heartache, guilt and shame. You saved me so many times from losing my way.

But now you are 3, almost 4. You need me a little less and I need me a little more. I need to focus on what makes me happy. I need to focus on addressing this heavy heavy weight I have been carrying around. I need to find a little extra sparkle in me, so when I show up for you, you are getting the very best of me.

I am dreading the idea that for one third of your life I have been confused and sad. I changed a lot when you came along, I needed more support, more love, more appreciation. So I went searching and in turn it made me even more sad. I often feel like my choice was counter productive. But the focus is on me for a little bit. Just in small ways so I can heal, so I can recover.

I love you my baby girl. Thank you for everything. Forever and a day. 

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